if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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