i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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