I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
