As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
