My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
