a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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