you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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