Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
