literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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