MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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