He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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