my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
