in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
