Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
