I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
