I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize