i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
