I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Four minutes until I can fart!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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