You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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