...so i touched it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
