oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
