the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize