I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
