my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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