Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
