John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
