can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
