You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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