She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
