did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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