I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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