In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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