I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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