Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
