HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
