I am spending my child support on dildos
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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