mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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