we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
