My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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