you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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