i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
