wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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