first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
