I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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