i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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