Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
