I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you didnt know i had herpes?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
