If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
