So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I looked at my own cervix.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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