Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
