you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
