Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
