Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
