He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
