oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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