I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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