I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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