i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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