My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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